et lux perpetua

the annual ‘lux perpetua’, etc etc post.

i can forget. no problem with forgetting. but my body does not. the annual dissonance.

clench the teeth, cook something complicated like chicken tikka masala (in this country one has to spend hours hunting the ingredients), clench the teeth, hide.

the dead walk in my dreams, and i have no control over them. and it is too hot for snow.

i will drink with the dead tomorrow. just because i can. or maybe they need company.

today, i will just know that the beginning of augst is here, and i am here, and it will end and i will go on.

dysfunction

in my dreams, i am back at that hospital in 2005. talking to the surgeon. about how bro’s inner bleeding cannot be stopped. how the brain death is imminent. and in amoment, it has set in. about stopping the blood transfusion after that. detaching the artificial life-support. and in the dream, i am suddely aware i have to make this decision between life and death. the feeling of actually killing him. and then i wake up, and i do not know.

i know i took the only logical decision there was to take. there was nothing else i could have done, given the circumstances.

why, then, i do not know in my dreams? wherefrom the feeling of having actually killed him?

were it possible, i would have swapped. my life for his. as then, so now. but i cannot, and never will.

ephemeral

maybe i should introduce a tag here, entitled ‘ephemeral’. for brothers. for things that just do not seem to last.

no, i am not angry or anything, no. just…that feeling of inability to protect and save, to put things right, which is my duty.

my remaining bro is in a hospital in the middle of nowhere, vomiting blood. my mother is desperate. i cannot say anything because i know nothing.

and my gift has seldom been the gift of speaking. plus, i am too tired from my work and all that idiocy you call my daily mundanity, to be of any sensible use. i do not know the right people. i do not know the right words. i do not know the answers. nor do i know the questions, for that matter.

ephemeral, temporary, evaporating – that is life, and blood-ties, and universes in this world. and this non-existence hurts.

dreams

i my dreams, i return years ago, to the place where i am 12, and my kid brother is 6 months. i sit by his cot, and tell him of all the things in the world. of dogs and what the cows have been doing, and how i’ve plucked a chicken for soup, and what the forest is like, and that i will let the cat stay next to him if he wants it, and that mum can’t come just now and he has to do with me.
and he is looking at me with those bright grey eyes, and talking something like va-va-va-va pfrrrr.
and we both make perfect sense.
and yet – these dreams make me wake up in tears.
i still put it down to the head-cold. or exams generating this feeling of absolute stupidity.
it will snow, soon.

augusts

augusts.

sapratu, no kam man tā sajūta.

labāk nepalika. labāk nepaliks, jo tas, kas noticis, ir neatgriežams.

pat ja mana galva to aizmirst, mans ķermenis – atceras.

tagad galvenais ir neizdarīt kādas muļķības; pārciest šo laiku, nonākt septembrī, turpināt dzīvot.

police

yesterday, the  police called, to say that they had started an investigation  into my brother’s death. it took them only 3 years to start.

i thought i had buried it all. i thought it was all over. but it was not.

why the hell does it hurt like that.

ievas

 

ievas zied. vai no tam aukstums?

mans es noslēpies ievu smaržā, apreibis, nelien laukā.

tikai t­āds aukstums nez no kurienes, un sapņos es jau kuŗo reizi vācu gabalus un lieku kopā sava brāļa līķi. un nekas neizdodas, nekas nesanāk, viss vienmēr paliek nepabeidzams, un asiņu garša mutē.

kad saule un ievas, un ābeles zied, es negribu dzīvot. jo dzīve ir tiem, kas to prot, kas to novērtē, kas viņas grib.

tikai, es nevaru pateikt, kam dzīve nav – tiem, kam viņa par smagu un par ilgu, kas izgaršo mirkli, bet mokās ar mūžību? vai tiem, kuŗi tās neprot – kā austrumu dejas nav ziemeļu cilvēku stīvajiem mugurkauliem. vai tā ir – bet varbūt tās ir tikai iedomas.

sīvā ābeļu ziedu smarža sajaucas ar ievu rūgtumu. vēl viena nakts, kad baidīšos aizmigt, un tomēr iešu gulēt, un skatīšos. un nenovērsīšos.