white cat, paperwork, paranoia and total non-entity business

my life currently has entered the nervous breakdown stage.

i feel cornered. i have no space to be me. people (with those good intentions at heart and the usual demagogy) make decisions for me, and get offended when i consider them invasions of my privacy and my personal space.

i feel i have lost the remnants of faith that my work can have a positive outcome.

nothing i do or care for seems to grow or develop to anything worthwhile. or visible. or at all.

i am positively paranoid and freaked out by any ducking paperwork i must do, and writing motivation letters and essays to prove that i am interested in a) culture of the usa (which i think is essentially an oxymoron); b) developing new courses for my university (because i will either 1) never get to read them or 2) have to give them over to another anyway) and c) travelling (which i am not, did you hear, travelling freaks me out even more than paperwork (sick)). i admit i am a xenophobe (unless the aliens come to me and keep their tentacles where i can see them); misanthrope (with paranoid inclinations) and that i am heavily biased and strongly prejudiced, and i do not intend to change that.

the very ducking idea of others thinking that they do a good thing by making me do this stuff…it feels like you get this v.polite human in the hood handing one the glass of acid with sth. like it is good for your system, you’ll see. did i say i feel cornered and suffocated?

so i retire in myself.  i am in panic, and my self is not a safe place. but it is the only place i am left.

and why does all the stuff have to be done by november 23d? why the hell, really. as students wrote in a fable – life is a ditch, and then you die. except that you don’t. and that sucks.

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