when there are no words, there is silence. or so they say.

the moon floats in the hazy Aegean blue like a Cheshire cheese. the air is moist and kind of cold, though hectically warm.

i have lost the right words. yes, as the trite metaphor goes, silence engulfs me. no, not only engulfs, it also enfolds, consumes and drowns me. this silence is black, and it has eyes, and glares at the world.

there are moments like these, when i feel (or i think that i feel? never understood that feeling business very well either) that life is like a game of Jenga, where the stack is built of people one knows. and then, one by one, the people are taken out. till a lattice of unstable units is left.

the cats come in and demand attention, then leave for the catio. or wherever the cats go on their cat things.

i still am not talking of the elephant in the room. which i cannot mention. which is a death. of a friend. and mentor. and one who dislikes the roundabout and paraphrase. one i loved has passed away, and i have no words for her. well, here it is: the inability to use words for how one feels.

Helen, you were and are the best that happened in my learning life. in my life as a not-child. much of what i am and how i am was formed in our interaction. you taught me how to teach. you taught me how to think of language, and so, of life. you never cared for the un-necessary, and exterminated it with vigour. you knew the essence of things, and did not hesitate to point to that. you had the spirit and experience which led to wisdom.
you also were very inside you. which border i did not dare to push, ever.

in that lattice of holes, the greatest suport, the unremovable part is my Lord. yet knowing that does not remove the silence and the black, hopeless pain that come with the loss. the knowing and the feeling are somehow apart, unformulable. it is amazing how little can be said about a friend-shaped hole in the universe. how grand the silence.

and now i will dress in the thin armour of ice, and go out and be a human among others. i will hide the dark silence behind words. i will lie to all and everyone. and quiety dislike myself for being selfish, and inarticulate, and wordless.


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