when years pass, and still

my child,i hardly know where our paths crossed.or did they? i forgetthe careful feeding, the hourscounted by much alarm,till the clock was my blood forever.that fear of losing you,doing something wrong, thetoo much responsibility and no response,only your toothless grin.your young weight on my arms,the summers of learning to walk, and to loveand many, many […]

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the red blotch on the asphalt was not. could not be. red. more of the grey. grainy and rough, like a dead puddle. the road-marks kept silence and shone in the dark till the cars all left and their headlights with them. in the dark, all red is black. what will remain when/as the liquid […]

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june 3, 2019

Today he would have been 36. Three dozen years on this earth, under this sun. Who knows how life would have turned out, what his story would have been. We, who loved him, still do, I’m sure of it. We measure the time by his death: before he died, the year he died, after he […]

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A beer can

My kid brother died Aug 2, 2005. This is his lay. This too is his lay, only written as a scene for a Creative non-fiction workshop on Aug 2, 2018, inspired by the excellent Inara Verzemnieks, a professor extraordinaire. (and the only person who has ever praised me for writing silences, which has perplexed me). […]

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the empty graves

“but i want to go to your mother’s grave,” she said. “you can come or not, it does not matter,” she added. “but i’d appreciate a navigator.” “i do not see what i’ve forgotten there,” i said. “but ok, i’ll go.” and so we went. the day was bright and sunny, the road characteristically abysmal, […]

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kā reizēm gadās uztrāpīt uz cilvēka lappušu malām, un baložu vietā sirds vēstules nez kāpēc pārnēsā dzēse (jo baloži vienkārši nav pārāk inteliģenti)

uz malām, mēs toreiz rakstījām uz malām un neatgriešanos, kad vēja pusē salām mūs gārņi ievīla. uz malām un vienā laidā, tā bez kādām šuvēm no rokām vien mēs ugunskuri kļuvām uz neatgriešanos. kā dzēses ūdensrozēs mēs lapas sagriezām, kas tika tev, kas – man, to neizlasīt kartupeļu grozos. uz malām mēs rakstījām no paša […]

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et lux perpetua

the annual ‘lux perpetua’, etc etc post. i can forget. no problem with forgetting. but my body does not. the annual dissonance. clench the teeth, cook something complicated like chicken tikka masala (in this country one has to spend hours hunting the ingredients), clench the teeth, hide. the dead walk in my dreams, and i […]

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in my dreams, i am back at that hospital in 2005. talking to the surgeon. about how bro’s inner bleeding cannot be stopped. how the brain death is imminent. and in amoment, it has set in. about stopping the blood transfusion after that. detaching the artificial life-support. and in the dream, i am suddely aware […]

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maybe i should introduce a tag here, entitled ‘ephemeral’. for brothers. for things that just do not seem to last. no, i am not angry or anything, no. just…that feeling of inability to protect and save, to put things right, which is my duty. my remaining bro is in a hospital in the middle of […]

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i my dreams, i return years ago, to the place where i am 12, and my kid brother is 6 months. i sit by his cot, and tell him of all the things in the world. of dogs and what the cows have been doing, and how i’ve plucked a chicken for soup, and what […]

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augusts. sapratu, no kam man tā sajūta. labāk nepalika. labāk nepaliks, jo tas, kas noticis, ir neatgriežams. pat ja mana galva to aizmirst, mans ķermenis – atceras. tagad galvenais ir neizdarīt kādas muļķības; pārciest šo laiku, nonākt septembrī, turpināt dzīvot.

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yesterday, the  police called, to say that they had started an investigation  into my brother’s death. it took them only 3 years to start. i thought i had buried it all. i thought it was all over. but it was not. why the hell does it hurt like that.

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  ievas zied. vai no tam aukstums? mans es noslēpies ievu smaržā, apreibis, nelien laukā. tikai t­āds aukstums nez no kurienes, un sapņos es jau kuŗo reizi vācu gabalus un lieku kopā sava brāļa līķi. un nekas neizdodas, nekas nesanāk, viss vienmēr paliek nepabeidzams, un asiņu garša mutē. kad saule un ievas, un ābeles zied, […]

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The problem with brothers

The problem with brothers is, that they do not last. Or at least not too long. My last remaining brother has got into a car crash. What shall I say to that, how shallI comment? Lets put it this way: there is hardly anything frustrates me more than ephemeral brothers. Now, to work, to the […]

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It is another night of waking memories. I remember. I think soon I will hate this word Re-member. Make it happen again, in one’s mind. See it again, in some sort of inerasable mirror, distorted, yet somewhat true. Assemble anew; feel something you hoped was gone. Re-mem-ber. Clench your teeth and face it. I remember. […]

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The day of maybe has come

This is for you, little kid. I, the eardstapa, will sing your song of death. Because I could not mourn you then and there, I will mourn you here and now. Drink another beer, whichever place that is you are currently gone to, drink and have fun. Grass Still green. Leaves Still brilliant. Sun So […]

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And so what?

Last Tuesday, my brother died. In the hospital, intensive care, after a successful operation on his broken skull. If his arms and ribs and legs were not broken, he might have lived. This way, his heart did not cope. I have a feeling that the last week has been a blurred run into nowhere. Offices […]

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