lvls

today, at some point, holding my frame together with sheer willpower, trying to be sociable and coherent, i suddenly realised that all i really wanted, even longed for, was controllable levels of pain . nothing fancy, just that. gee, are my standards deteriorating and ideals imploding. Posted by Wordmobi

Read More lvls

the judgement

today i accidentally (i normally do not do this, as there are better things to do) stumbled upon one of the major latvian language newspapers (relatively major and relatively newspaper, more of yellow press sort of thing), diena, and it had this headline (here and below, all translations mine) on the front page: “Why this […]

Read More the judgement

never let me go*

caught like the butterflies in the never-ending fire of death, we still aspire, still hope, still try mending the holes in this incomplete pattern of advances and retreats, visions and divisions called life. ————————— * a novel by Kazuo Isiguro, now a film. you want to read it, you want to see it. you want […]

Read More never let me go*

beset by nightmares

no, i do not understand. i will write a more complete analysis maybe later. or not at all, because it does not matter. the annual crisis of imagination is at its fullest. on the other hand, if people think they can go on being plain stupid, i will not hinder them.

Read More beset by nightmares

time to hit one’s head

after three classes, one tutorial and 3 hours of reading essays and 2 hours of reading student research papers, i feel a definite feeling. rofl. i feel… aargh, i don’t know what i feel. i must feel, once i am writing about it…or maybe not. my head hurts. my head not only hurts, but also […]

Read More time to hit one’s head

i am that i am, no more, no less

had one of those talks… where one can only be amazed at how there is nothing but appearances, where demanding equals cruel and love is perceived by having no requirements. or so it seemed. and the question- in the talk – ‘ you must understand that we have not read all those books’, it really got […]

Read More i am that i am, no more, no less

approximately so

with horrible regularity, this thing comes up again and again. maybe i will write up those dreams that haunt me and leave me nothing to wish for, nothing to desire, but dreamless sleep.  maybe the breakdown is not over. maybe it is the full moon. maybe not. most of what i do is futile.  anyway. […]

Read More approximately so

november

has turned its other side. it is raining. rain of dickensian proportion has soaked, sogged, quagmired all and everything: raindrops congregate on the twigs; fog waterlogs moss and lichen; even the sun becomes gray and blurred amidst the moisture. my november dream of sitting by the fire and baking potatoes in the ashes has failed. […]

Read More november

log

i switch on my interface. i connect to the world outside. i open port to the universe. then the universe demands logon and password. i log on. i pass word. i am me. i contain… whatever it is, it is too much pain. ————————-

Read More log

dysfunction

in my dreams, i am back at that hospital in 2005. talking to the surgeon. about how bro’s inner bleeding cannot be stopped. how the brain death is imminent. and in amoment, it has set in. about stopping the blood transfusion after that. detaching the artificial life-support. and in the dream, i am suddely aware […]

Read More dysfunction

some more dead

Bro went a little fishing. the end result passed on to me for cleaning and making fish soup. pity the smell cannot be pictured. delicious, no less. Posted by Wordmobi

Read More some more dead

pig

well, here it is, the pig. dead. quartered. processed. just the way i like a porker.

Read More pig

dreamspaces of steel glue

So, there is this dream. In this dream, I get the place of someone who has died or gone MIA. In an office or suchlike. (should not read fforde too much, that’s it, and goodkind is not healthy either) I get this table with all sorts of things on it. On top of those things […]

Read More dreamspaces of steel glue

tell me. really.

Thus, I must be going mad. As soon as I will be mad, I will be free. Or maybe not. I asked the quiz galaxy, when that freedom would come. I received this answer. Death would be another adventure. Unfortunately, life prevents me from it. The Picto-Personality Test You are a person who is very […]

Read More tell me. really.

Mad, madder, maddest

“Самые безумные чаепития творятся не в кроличьей норе, за столом с безумным шляпником, ореховой соней и мартовским зайцем. Маленькая кухня маленькой квартиры, утренний чай, долитый кипяточком, малиновое варенье из трехлитровой банки – вот она, сцена, на которой непризнанные актеры играют настоящие безумные чаепития. Здесь, и только здесь, говорят слова, которые иначе не скажут никогда. Здесь […]

Read More Mad, madder, maddest

Poems like leaves

What happens to the poems whne they are reduced to lines of symbols and formulas? Do they go to some ossuary? Is the beauty of the poetic destroyed by analysing it? If so, I have been a murderer today.

Read More Poems like leaves